C Scare

Don't boast about tomorrow, for you don't know what a day might bring. Proverbs 27:1

Financial experts say, "Plan for your future, save". Loved ones would say, "Secure your family, work." Travel agents would say, "Time is short, explore the world." But really, who can tell about tomorrow? King Solomon was right when he said that we do not even know what a day might bring.

I went to see my OB-GYN for my annual check-up last week. I do it yearly, right before school starts so that I can get it out of the way before I return to work. Little did I know that something so tiny would cause me so much fear. During the exam, my doctor felt a lump on my left breast. I told her it had been there, I even had it checked with my other doctor in Louisiana, but never really got it examined. My doctor then said that it's probably a benign cyst, but she still suggests that I get it checked via breast ultrasound to rule out the big C. Of course I wanted to be 100% sure! They had me scheduled for an ultrasound five days later. Five long days. Five days of what ifs. I tried to recall whether the lump had grown since the first time I noticed it, but I couldn't remember. I was also feeling a little sore under my armpits and around my upper chest area. I told Jet about it and just when I was about to freak out, he said it might be because I went to the gym that morning. Right. Very possible.

I remember working myself up to worry even after Jet and I prayed about it that night. I found sleep to be elusive, so while Jet snored next to me, I looked up "fibroadenoma" because this was what my doctor suspected the lump to be. But the more I read, the more worried I become. I laid in our bed wide awake, thinking of the worst. Right in the midst of my what ifs, a thought entered my head: Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I set the thought aside and continued torturing myself by thinking the worst case scenario. I read that breast cancer is one of the most treatable cancers out there. But what about radiation and the cost? What about my job? What about our bills? How painful would it be? My thoughts were interrupted by these words again: Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I had to pause at that point. I know the verse is in Psalm 91. I've actually memorized the whole chapter. My high school Values Education teacher, a Mike Velarde fanatic, had us memorize the chapter as part of our test. She required us to recite and perform it in the front of the class. Extra points if we bring the white El Shaddai handkerchief as part of our props. So, I am certain I know Psalm 91. I tried vainly to recall the whole chapter because I know, the Lord is speaking to me. But the words failed me. I want an assurance from God that I don't have a breast cancer or my ultrasound will come out negative. However, God seems to be only telling me to rest in Him. That's it.

I woke up to a sunny morning the next day and the first thought that crept in my head was the lump on my breast. I felt it again and stupidly felt disappointed to find the lump still there. I remembered God's word from the night before and I immediately grabbed my Bible. I read through Psalm 91, the familiar words were soothing and encouraging, but I felt that I was missing something else. I continued reading through Psalm 92 and here, the Lord spoke to me as clearly as if he was next to me:

But the godly will flourish like palm trees and grow strong like the cedars of Lebanon. For they are translated to the Lord's own house. They flourish in the courts of our God. Even in old age they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green. They will declare, "The Lord is just! He is my rock! There is no evil in him!"

Of course, my God is good! He is a good, good Father. I kept these words hidden in my heart as I went to my appointment yesterday. I was told at the hospital that they would do a breast ultrasound AND mammogram on me to have a more conclusive report. I freaked out when I heard mammogram and regretted turning down Jet's offer to come with me at the hospital. I've heard stories of how painful mammogram can be and since I didn't prepare myself for that, I literally lost it when the radiologist closed the door behind us. But thank God for this gentle lady, she explained to me everything that was going to happen and said that they would discuss the result with me right away.
I don't know who this lady is, but I am truly grateful for her kindness.

While waiting anxiously for the result of the mammogram, I said to myself, "but the godly will flourish like palm trees and grow strong like the cedars of Lebanon." When the lady came back and said she would have to repeat my mammogram because the tissues on my breast are so dense they can't see through, I kicked the fear out of my head and bore the pain of being squeezed again. I told myself, "Even in old age they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green." I allowed myself a little triumph when I was told that my right breast is clear and they would only need to do an ultrasound on my left breast. While being ultrasound, I declared, "The Lord is just! He is my rock! There is no evil in him!"

The doctor told me that the tissue on my breast are too thick (normal at my age) and it seemed like the lump is fibroadenoma, a benign cyst. But since she couldn't get a clear image of it because of the thick tissues, she suggests we do a biopsy. I agreed. I want to be sure. But I am holding on to God's word to me. That even in my old age, I will still produce fruit and I will remain vital and green. I trust the Lord no matter what the outcome would be. My suffering, if there would be any, is nothing compared to the glory that is going to be revealed to me. The road ahead might be rough, but I trust the Lord who sustains and heals.